An Imprint – by Becky Carlozzi

unnamedFrom the moment I’ve been alive, my soul has known love because it was created out of love and it has been craving that perfect love ever since. This unyielding need for love is perhaps the most terrible part of being alive because it seems unquenchable. From this place of need, I have been screaming for more. I sense what I’m lacking and it hurts.

 

Sometimes approval feels like love and flattery appears to work well in a pinch, yet even bucket loads of praise and compliments over the years has been leaving me thirsty. Impostors.

 

When flattery fails, I’ve been known to seek the more formidable impersonator of love: possessiveness. A steady trickle of love, like a central line with direct access to my soul, is what I’m being duped in to believing possessiveness provides. The problem is that my tight grip seems to be choking the actual love right out. I can see this happening but I feel powerless to pry my fingers off.

 

The hurt returns each time I come up empty and I become angry about my gullibility, misdirection, and repeated mistakes.  I tend to feel this pang in my soul and then work to redirect my frustration.  I yell at my kids for yelling at each other. This has to be someone else’s fault. The cycle ensues as I decide indifference and distraction must be the answer. I waste time pretending that I don’t really need the love I was created to experience and convince myself that the impostors are enough.

 

As I write this, I am gently reminded why I was created and that my Creator won’t let me go. I am forever linked to His perfect and unending love and designed for more than egotism, entitlement and indifference. He knows how I jump on the hamster wheel to run after the impostors; yet, He still beckons me to Himself. Somehow, he even uses my missteps to show me what love is by showing me what love is not.

 

The pain of feeling my need strangely encourages me of what is yet to come. The crater exists because a force formed it.  I notice the imperfections because I’ve tasted perfection at some point. Being made for love that can’t be fully quenched yet isn’t a cruel trick God is playing on His creation. The promise for all of God’s people is this: our search for fulfilling love will end one day because we will possess what we most lack now.

 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13

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