on the mend

I’ve twisted and turned my mind into positions that elicit my purpose in life- something grand and elevated. But I realize my only purpose in life is to be humble.
I get to the point in my week where I feel tired and worn; I long to be still and write out my thoughts so I can feel peace, be rejuvenated. But I realize the times I spend with God in the quiet, I am not finding my ‘center’ or finding strength, it is humility that leads me to peace. I am always finding myself humbled before Him but in some strange way, in my weakness, I feel strong.

Humility means you’ve been laid bare and exposed. It means you may ask questions more than give answers. Humility requires sacrifice, requires asking for forgiveness instead of holding onto anger.  It goes against every self-preserving instinct in our being. For so many years I thought showing ones’ strength was what people needed. No, it’s showing all of the things you’ve hidden in your spiritual closet.  Humility sometimes means we trade understanding for mystery.  It’s painful, because it is surrender. It’s mustering bravery, in order to be gentle.

Part of living in humility means you are always on the mend.  It takes courage to seek healing over hiding.  When we open our chests for heart surgery and admit we are in need of a great physician- that is just where God wants us. People see we are cracked and broken and they’re drawn to the vulnerable, to the sick. And when bystanders are watching your exposed heart, they get to see the surgeon heal. He mends wounds and restores strength. This is a miracle. Not only the healing but the witness.  This is how we share the gospel.
And minds turn to their own hearts. ‘Could mine be broken?’  ‘Is it better or is it worse?’  ‘Could I be mended?’
The answer is yes.
He is the great healer, only because no one has been more broken than he.

But the Lord does not keep us here in this state of humility, no.  He asks us to be humble because it’s the only way He can take us to where He is. And we are all He wants. When you are in a position of humility, it’s the closest we are to our creator in the status of our humanity.
‘So when my hands are empty and my face is in the dirt of this arena called life…this is where you want me?,’ I ask God.
‘Only so I can pull you up, to stand with me in a place of honor’, He says.

Ah. Because you cannot have honor without humility first.

I see myself on the frontline in this battle of ‘God’s work’ , being asked to do uncomfortable things in order to convince people of something or fight for truth or fight to simply love.  I find myself in positions where I feel I need to prove my faith or validate my beliefs by what I do.  It seems like ‘God’s work’ is basically a field of obligation for me.  I see myself balancing on a slim beam between victory and disappointment or missed opportunity.  ‘God’s work’ seems to be something outside of myself and exhausting.  And I have to admit, it’s not honest.

But the reality is, I am the work.

His eyes are on me, not beyond. We are God’s masterpiece, we are his adventure.  This is humbling to me, but it’s also freeing.  In this mindset, I can just be myself and ask him for help.  I am most honest when I am humble.  I can trust in the fact that God can uphold his own reputation.  The Holy Spirit has more power and ability to change someone’s heart and mind more than any words I can say.  All he asks is for me to come back to a state of humility, which sets the stage for thankfulness.  And what an important piece thankfulness is in a heart that loves God and loves people.